HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY....?

Yes, that question mark plays a big role on that day. January 19, 2011. The day I turned 19. Yeah, I know. I'm supposed to feel all hyped up about it since it's my "big day". But NO. For some reason, I felt agitated as I prepared myself to go to school. Prior to that day, my mom was rushed to the hospital on January 17. Her right breast was bleeding. Then to the shock of everyone, we discovered that she had a lump on her breast the size of a fist. The doctor had to immediately check whether the lump was benign or malignant, and so she was scheduled to have a frozen section biopsy on January 19. My birthday, how ironic. That day, thoughts were running through my head. Flashbacks of all the memories that I've had with my mom. It was then that I realized that I was not ready to lose her yet. I needed her. I needed my mom. That day, I promised myself that I would take care of her, be there for her when she needed her daughter. On January 19, her operation was cancelled and was moved on January 21 instead due to her low albumin count.


For the first time in my whole life, my birthday wish wasn't about myself. I laid all my cards out to God and asked Him to make my mom better. At the back of my mind, I had the gut feeling that she would turn out to have cancer. CANCER. The stigma of that word leaves someone in a catatonic state. It's so damn scary because cancer is usually associated with unbearable pain and suffering. But even though I was already having thoughts that she might have that kind of sickness, I tried to push it out of my mind. I felt so helpless and alone. I prayed hard to God. That's when I really felt Him enveloping me in His arms and telling me that everything will be okay. For the first time, I didn't care that it was supposed to be my special day. I gave that privilege to my mom.


January 21 came. Her operation day. I rushed to the hospital right after our teacher dismissed us from class. I arrived just in time to kiss her and talk to her right before she was wheeled into the operating room. I even had the guts to joke about, telling her that she still has to walk me to the aisle when I get married. She smiled and said "Oo naman".  I became very emotional when she grabbed my hand, held onto it tightly, and whispered to me "I love you, anak". All I could do was to squeeze her hand back. When she was being taken to the operating room, she kept on glancing back and at that time I felt really helpless and vulnerable. I wanted to do something, anything, just to take away that fear and pain that I saw in her eyes. She was not ready to go. 


The most mentally and emotionally exhausting part was waiting for the results. Everyone was uneasy, nervous, worried, panicking. We were in our own little worlds, praying for my mom. But when the doctor came in, a cold chill ran through my spine and I somehow knew that he was to bring about bad news. YES. My mom has cancer of the breast. Apparently, it's been more than a year since that lump developed. They had to take her right breast out in order to prevent the cancer cells from spreading. She also has to go through chemotherapy and radiotherapy in order to kill those remaining cancer cells in her body. Oh how I wish I had to endure the pain instead of her. Right then and there, I felt my world crumbling apart, turning to dust, drowning into darkness. I didn't know how to react, I bursted out of the room, went some place quiet and tried to collect my thoughts. It was like a nightmare. I wanted so bad to wake up from it, to break loose, but I know my efforts are useless. This is happening. This is NOW, not what USED TO BE and definitely not WHAT WOULD BE HAPPENING. Present. I could not fathom that this was really happening to me, to us. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought that we'd be facing this kind of challenge in life.


After all the blaming, regretting and denial that I've been putting myself into, I finally woke up to the reality that I cannot take back what has already happened. No matter how I want to take it back, I could not wish for that cancer to be gone because it's already there. There's nothing that I can do about it now. The more that I indulge myself into negative thoughts, the more that it gets harder for me to go through waking up everyday and facing the world. So I decided to buckle up and get ready for that bumpy ride. I admit that I'm scared of the things that might happen in the future, but I believe that I'm strong enough to take this journey one step at a time, starting from small steps. Hopefully, I'll be leaping out of this defiance in no time. 


But as for now, I have to stay strong for my mom. I'll put all of my efforts into trying to make her feel that she's not alone in this battle, that we are here for her no matter what. I know she's scared, and I am too, but it really makes a difference when you know that you're not the only one who's in on this. I honestly think that this made my family more united than ever. I also realized the true essence of having a family beside you through your best and worst. With this, I have become someone who I never thought I would be. STRONGER. God has plans for us. Everything has a reason.


I love you mom, and I'd give anything in the world just for you to get better. I'm a big girl now, I can take care of you the way you did to me when I was younger. ♥