One Sunday Morning

One sunday morning, it hit me. Hard. I'm a Christian and I believe in God and everything that commensurates to the transcendental ways of living. But I'm guilty that lately, I've been missing out on a lot of things, and sadly, one of those things include going to church to actually pray and worship. I realized that the past few Sundays that I've been going to church was actually because it was more of an obligation rather than voluntarily going there to seek for spiritual guidance.


I've been going through a lot lately, and I always pray for guidance and strength, but something seemed to be lacking. There was something that I needed to achieve in order for me to be satisfied, but I can't put my finger into it. Until today. My soul is thirsty for spiritual well-being. In short, I was at the starting point of a possible fallout between my faith and God. It was then that I realized how thankful I should really be. Despite the trials that I'm going through right now, God never left my side. I guess I was just too preoccupied with the negative outcomes that I wasn't able to appreciate the blessings that have been coming my way. Sometimes, the greatest blessings in life come in the form of a dissapointment or failure, for without it, you wouldn't strive for things to get better. And with every failure comes a life-changing lesson.


They say that everything comes with a price. But knowing that you have God on your side to help you in times of your need, that is something PRICELESS. The satisfaction, the relief, making you feel that nothing and no one can ever take it away from you. I may not be the sharpest of all the pencils in the box, and I may not have an eraser big enough to crush out all the mistakes that I've done in my life, but I can assure you that I'll never stop trying, up to my very last stroke. 

See The Light (Tribute to the Japan tsunami victims/survivors) - Clariss...

Tribute to Japan tsunami victims/survivors. Keep the faith. ♥

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY....?

Yes, that question mark plays a big role on that day. January 19, 2011. The day I turned 19. Yeah, I know. I'm supposed to feel all hyped up about it since it's my "big day". But NO. For some reason, I felt agitated as I prepared myself to go to school. Prior to that day, my mom was rushed to the hospital on January 17. Her right breast was bleeding. Then to the shock of everyone, we discovered that she had a lump on her breast the size of a fist. The doctor had to immediately check whether the lump was benign or malignant, and so she was scheduled to have a frozen section biopsy on January 19. My birthday, how ironic. That day, thoughts were running through my head. Flashbacks of all the memories that I've had with my mom. It was then that I realized that I was not ready to lose her yet. I needed her. I needed my mom. That day, I promised myself that I would take care of her, be there for her when she needed her daughter. On January 19, her operation was cancelled and was moved on January 21 instead due to her low albumin count.


For the first time in my whole life, my birthday wish wasn't about myself. I laid all my cards out to God and asked Him to make my mom better. At the back of my mind, I had the gut feeling that she would turn out to have cancer. CANCER. The stigma of that word leaves someone in a catatonic state. It's so damn scary because cancer is usually associated with unbearable pain and suffering. But even though I was already having thoughts that she might have that kind of sickness, I tried to push it out of my mind. I felt so helpless and alone. I prayed hard to God. That's when I really felt Him enveloping me in His arms and telling me that everything will be okay. For the first time, I didn't care that it was supposed to be my special day. I gave that privilege to my mom.


January 21 came. Her operation day. I rushed to the hospital right after our teacher dismissed us from class. I arrived just in time to kiss her and talk to her right before she was wheeled into the operating room. I even had the guts to joke about, telling her that she still has to walk me to the aisle when I get married. She smiled and said "Oo naman".  I became very emotional when she grabbed my hand, held onto it tightly, and whispered to me "I love you, anak". All I could do was to squeeze her hand back. When she was being taken to the operating room, she kept on glancing back and at that time I felt really helpless and vulnerable. I wanted to do something, anything, just to take away that fear and pain that I saw in her eyes. She was not ready to go. 


The most mentally and emotionally exhausting part was waiting for the results. Everyone was uneasy, nervous, worried, panicking. We were in our own little worlds, praying for my mom. But when the doctor came in, a cold chill ran through my spine and I somehow knew that he was to bring about bad news. YES. My mom has cancer of the breast. Apparently, it's been more than a year since that lump developed. They had to take her right breast out in order to prevent the cancer cells from spreading. She also has to go through chemotherapy and radiotherapy in order to kill those remaining cancer cells in her body. Oh how I wish I had to endure the pain instead of her. Right then and there, I felt my world crumbling apart, turning to dust, drowning into darkness. I didn't know how to react, I bursted out of the room, went some place quiet and tried to collect my thoughts. It was like a nightmare. I wanted so bad to wake up from it, to break loose, but I know my efforts are useless. This is happening. This is NOW, not what USED TO BE and definitely not WHAT WOULD BE HAPPENING. Present. I could not fathom that this was really happening to me, to us. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought that we'd be facing this kind of challenge in life.


After all the blaming, regretting and denial that I've been putting myself into, I finally woke up to the reality that I cannot take back what has already happened. No matter how I want to take it back, I could not wish for that cancer to be gone because it's already there. There's nothing that I can do about it now. The more that I indulge myself into negative thoughts, the more that it gets harder for me to go through waking up everyday and facing the world. So I decided to buckle up and get ready for that bumpy ride. I admit that I'm scared of the things that might happen in the future, but I believe that I'm strong enough to take this journey one step at a time, starting from small steps. Hopefully, I'll be leaping out of this defiance in no time. 


But as for now, I have to stay strong for my mom. I'll put all of my efforts into trying to make her feel that she's not alone in this battle, that we are here for her no matter what. I know she's scared, and I am too, but it really makes a difference when you know that you're not the only one who's in on this. I honestly think that this made my family more united than ever. I also realized the true essence of having a family beside you through your best and worst. With this, I have become someone who I never thought I would be. STRONGER. God has plans for us. Everything has a reason.


I love you mom, and I'd give anything in the world just for you to get better. I'm a big girl now, I can take care of you the way you did to me when I was younger. ♥

REMEMBERING 2010

2011 has finally arrived. Another year has come, another one full of expectations and as much as we don't like it to happen, dissapointments are bound to happen to us sometime within the course of this year. So, here goes my year-end blogpost for 2010. But before that, let's have a little introduction on this year's zodiac sign. 

According to the Chinese Zodiac, the Year of 2011 is the Year of the Golden Rabbit, which begins on February 3, 2011 and ends on January 22, 2012.  The Rabbit is the fourth sign of the Chinese Zodiac, which consists of 12 animals signs.  The Rabbit is a lucky sign.  Rabbits are private individuals and a bit introverted.  People born in the Year of the Rabbit are reasonably friendly individuals who enjoy the company of a group of good friends.  They are good teachers, counselors and communicators, but also need their own space.

According to Chinese tradition, the Rabbit brings a year in which you can catch your breath and calm your nerves.  It is a time for negotiation.  Don't try to force issues, because if you do you will ultimately fail.  To gain the greatest benefits from this time, focus on home, family, security, diplomacy, and your relationships with women and children. Make it a goal to create a safe, peaceful lifestyle, so you will be able to calmly deal with any problem that may arise.

Well, 2011 has just begun. I'm hoping that this year would be more productive compared to 2010. 2010 wasn't really my year. A lot of challenges have come my way and I admit that not all of them have already been surpassed. I'm not that whole-heartedly brave anyways. There are things that I'd rather leave untouched for fear that it might continue to haunt me for the remaining years of my life.  Unfortunately, I have lost a lot this past year. Some of them really close to my heart and some of those whom we can call as barricaded acquaintances. Nonetheless, despite the people and things that I've lost, I sure learned a lot from each and every one of those situations. With those things happening to me, I have come to know myself more.




My 2010 started fine, but when mid-year came, it slowly deteriorated and became a hell-hole for me. A special person in my life went AWOL for reasons I still cannot truly point my finger at up till now. That person may not know it, but I was serious with my intentions, so me being left turned out to be kind of a big deal for me. At one point, bitterness washed over me, and I did things I should really not be doing. Coping wasn't really an easy task for me. Then one day I realized that people are really meant to come into our lives and go after they have done whatever part that they have to accomplish. They're actually living to-do lists or walking memo-pads. They remind us of the things that we should be prioritizing first. It's one's departure that makes the whole learning process worthwhile. It opens gates for contemplation and reflection on how to prevent yourself from doing the same mistakes again. 




As the same time as that, I also figured out that you can't call your life a fulfilling one if you don't have God in your heart. I used to be scared all the time and often feared for my life, but ever since I answered God's knock on my door and opened my heart to Him, I learned to focus on the simple things that makes our stay in this Earth meaningful and memorable. We can't really tell when our time's gonna be, so it's better that we ready ourselves when that moment comes, and what better way to do that than pray for His guidance? Yes, I may not seem the kind to talk about faith and religion, but I am not ashamed to let people know that I believe in God and the power of prayer. Spirituality should also be treated as a basic need, for without it, I think we won't be able to keep our sanity when bad waves hit us. Remember that strength was once a coward clothed in rags.




Then, a few months after that, my grandmother passed away (God bless her soul). Now, I'm totally "grandparent-less" (if there's such a word as that). It's kinda sad and happy at the same time to see my mom, uncles and aunt brought together by my grandmom's passing. Happy, because after years of being separated from each other due to their jobs and preferred lifestyles, all of them were present during my grandmom's wake up to the day of her burial. Sad, because not only had they lost their mother, but they also lost the one special person whom my grandfather entrusted to them with all his heart and soul. Even when he was already suffering from his lung cancer, his main concern was always my grandmom. He would always ask if she'd already eaten, even when his body was already refusing to any food that was to be taken in to his body. But on the brighter side of things, at least my lola's in heaven now with lolo. Though it hurts us to see both of them go, that's just how life has to be. Their passing left us with so many memories and instilled us with values which no other living person can ever compare with. I miss them, a lot. But I know that someday, when my time comes, I'll be able to be with them again and it's just gonna be like before. Nothing will change. 




Also, I've lost friends along the way, and as like any other loss, it hurts. But what's important is I've learned to apologize and admit my mistakes. I realized that it's okay to lose them if you know in your heart that you have done your best to try to keep them in your life. Friend or foe, it's their decision, not mine.




And now, as 2011 starts off, a new chapter of my life will unfold... Hopefully, a better me will emerge from the ashes of 2010 and by the end of this year, I'd be better than ever. But for now, all I have to do is to try to do things my way without minding what other people might say about me, Yes, a good reputation sounds really great, but what good would a pleasant repuation be if you're just trying to be someone you're not?  So, LIVE AND LET LIVE, BRING IT ON 2011! \m/

ClariiGuitarii Rants 105: On Miracles

Who knew Facebook could tell such great tales about changing for the better? So as I was scanning through my Home page, I saw this note about someone named Kevin. I wasn't really gonna pay much attention to it, but then I saw the sad face next to "Kevin". So that's what really triggered me into checking that note out. The curiosity burned and it eventually got the best of me, and before I knew it, I was so engrossed with what was written in it that I didn't even hear as much as notice my sister literally screaming by that time for me to open the door. Apparently, Kevin has a life-threatening sickness and he's actually been fighting it for a long time now. He's now in a coma, and it's just sad to hear how someone so young could be taken away the privilege to grow old and live a long life. But what struck me most was finding out that he was formerly an ATHEIST, which means he didn't believe in a God or any Supreme Being for that matter. For him, it's just him and mortality out here for him; No life after death, just eternal nothingness. But as his sickness took a hold of him, he eventually learned to cling on to the only one who would be there for us even when the whole world, even ourselves, have turned their backs on us -- God. It is true that we get closer to Him when we are in dire need of His guidance and grace. It just amazes me how someone with a dark viewpoint about religiosity could actually transform into someone who praises and adores Him for everything that has happened to him, even his sickness.


It made me realize that each and every one of us, even the most sinful ones, have the chance and capability to abandon their evil ways and face a new life head-on with God in the center of their lives. Believe me, it makes a GREAT difference. I should know, because there also came a point in my life when I thought that maybe God isn't really there, maybe he's just a mere fantasy that people are so obsessed with. All that changed when I experienced a miracle right before my very eyes. No ordinary person could possibly endure, more as survive 5 major stroke attacks in a span of 10 years. But my mom did. She came out with a little bit of this and a little bit of that, but she came back to us in one piece. She was very lucky to be still here to relive her tale to others, but I'm more luckier than her because I still get to see her everyday. And that alone is already enough for me to believe that there really are miracles in this world and there is only one being who's responsible for those miraculous deeds. :)

ClariiGuitarii Rants 104: On Trust

Trust is like a flowing river. It will never pass again as the same current. Once lost, you have no choice but to take the alternative route. It's hard to bring back that trust again after being pushed away like a broken toy. At first you get confused as you try to figure out how you feel, bu eventually, you'll end up losing either trust in yourself or trust for the other. Then you'll end up hurting others unintentionally. You start to blame yourself for being such a fool and allowing yourself to be treated like that. You start to hate and dwell on negative and destructive emotions, which I can say is never the right thing to do no matter what situation you are in. The more that you hate, the more that you remember. And the more that you remember the bad times, the more that it will grow stronger and try to dominate your sense of righteousness. Which means, the harder it will get for you to move on. 


We can never fully comprehend the vastness and complexity of a person's mind, and there is no way for us to figure out the exact liking and expectation of a person to another. That's the fun thing in life. That which adds zest to life is the mystery of the human's mind and soul. We do not mold that person into someone from our mental image. Instead, we try to settle the differences and try to work as a unit in order to accomplish something. That's the basic unit of trust. Both parties should compensate for the benefit of each one. An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth, as they say.


Trust has his hefty little sidekick called expectation. They go hand in hand, like a couple inseparable by their love for each other. From expectation comes the twins fear and pain. When you expect something from someone, it's like putting half of your body underground and the other half sticking out towards the realities of the world. It's like digging your own grave and actually testing if you fit in it perfectly or if it still needs further adjustments. But then, to trust someone fully is a great task. You start with the glass half-empty, and usually end up with the glass half-full. Either way, it's how you look at it which makes the difference.

ClariiGuitarii Rants 103: ON DEATH & SUICIDE

I always thought that death comes to those who wait for it. It's something that you have to least expect. You don't usually come running and begging for it to happen to you. That is why I question those who had or have thoughts of committing suicide. I know that we're the ones responsible for whatever actions and decisions that we have to make, but two questions in mind that I have are, "What could possibly be more mind-boggling and disturbing than death itself? Would it answer the questions and solve the problems that they're facing?". I mean, WHY CHEAT LIFE BY ABRUPTLY ENDING IT? 

It's just sad to think how those people have lost all hope and have come to that wretched solution. It's actually not a solution, but an added burden to those whom they have left or will leave behind. It's like patching up a hole. It may temporarily be covered up, but it will always have a hole. It'll forever be there. That's different from filling up a hole, that's when you lose something/someone, but you know that there will always be another to fill up that empty void.

We may never and probably will never know the things and thoughts that are running through a suicidal person's mind, that is why having good reasoning is crucial to a person's life. It may either make you or break you, but what's important is that you used your head instead of your heart to atleast try to think things through. And you may never know, but it might actually give you another chance in life.